My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
