I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
