Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
