i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
