i wish my penis had a tongue
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
