Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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