I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
