I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
