I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
