Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
