last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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