this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
