Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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