he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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