Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
