He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
