we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
