Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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