A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
