This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
