i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
