Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
