i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
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