you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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