My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I understand Curling. That high.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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