I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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