I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
