He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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