it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
