I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
