final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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