woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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