I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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