Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
