Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
