I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
