is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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