I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
