Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
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