PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
