I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
