I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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