apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
