she woke up with a sticky ear
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
