Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
All the doctor said was why
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
