wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
