he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
