I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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