Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Ketchup is God's man juice
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
