the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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